Filling Your Basket by Roger Moore, MA, Ph.D.(c)

     Have you ever noticed that you are wanting for something...like something is missing? You know, more food, a cigarette, alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, a new car, new boy friend, new girl friend, new spouse, new boat, new house...... And then, when you get it, you feel satisfied for a while, but then you want more, or you want something else. You may recognize it as a feeling of hunger, anxiety, restlessness, nervousness, anger or maybe as fear. Some people know it as the clenched fist feeling in the chest, the upset stomach, the sore neck or back, the migraine headache or other dis-ease.

     It's as if most of us are going through life with an empty basket that we are trying to fill. We buy the new toy or clothes, which seemingly fills our basket, and we feel excited for few days, maybe even weeks. Yet, that wanting or emptiness begins to eat away at us, that feeling like something is missing...that there is more available to us. So then we try to find something else to fill us, to make us complete. Still, we feel empty.

     I see this repeatedly with individuals and couples struggling with issues such as depression, stress or relationships. Somewhere a couple meets, they have fun with each other, they talk, they share...they fall head over heels in "love." Each partner is getting some unfulfilled need met, getting something put into their basket. It feels wonderful. But then after awhile, something about this person begins to bug us. So, we try to change them and they often do change to be more what we want them to be....and we do the same thing, we change to please them. We give up a part of ourselves to fit their expectations of us. One day, one or both of the couple realize the unhappiness that they have created in the relationship. Each has given up important parts of themselves. We wonder what happened to the person with whom we fell in love. Sometimes we run from this relationship to a new one and start all over again: using the same old methods that have not worked to get a different result.

     You see, when we are in a relationship based on our own neediness, it takes more and more to satisfy us. The relationship is like any other dependency. It's as if our basket has no bottom...it's an empty hole. When we keep taking from the relationship it's not long before there is nothing left to take and we are still empty. It does not work to be looking to people or things outside ourselves to make us happy, to make us feel loved, to meet our needs. We are just increasing our wanting and our sense of lack.

     Often, I find that people focus on one aspect of their lives to be happy. Physically, they may have great jobs, they may have lots of money, they may have great muscular bodies. Mentally, they may be constantly learning, reading, discovering new wonders in life, and going to school. Emotionally, they may have close friends and maybe even a seemingly great relationship. Spiritually, they may regularly worship God and try to "do" a spiritual life or try and achieve forgiveness. These are all outward ways that we try to meet our needs, that we try to fill our baskets. Each of these can go a long way toward a better life and are great activities in and of themselves. Nevertheless, all the money in the world won't make us happy. All the education will not eliminate the negative thoughts that we have about ourselves. Friends and relationships don't take away the loneliness when we are alone. And all the good deeds will not bring us peace in our hearts and souls. Even people who seemingly have it all are often searching for something more to fill their baskets.

     The only way to fill our basket is to fill it ourselves. We will never have enough money or a good enough body if we aren't enough just as we are. We will never have positive thinking if we believe that we aren't enough. We will never be happy if we believe that we are unworthy of love and happiness. God's forgiveness will never be enough if we do not believe that we are forgivable.

Abundance starts within us, with our baskets full and overflowing. A healthy relationship exists in our overflow, not in our neediness. It's in our abundance, our mutual giving where we love unconditionally, where we can love and not worry if we are loved back. Abundance starts when we accept God's forgiveness by forgiving ourselves. When we are forgivable, we can love ourselves, have affirming mental self-talk and give gentle care to our bodies and environment.

If we want physical riches, we must see ourselves as abundant. If we want tranquillity, we must be at peace in our minds. If we want love, we must be loving. And if we want forgiveness, we must be forgiving.

© 1998-2007 Abundant Living Resources LLC

Letting go of the Results Roger Moore, MA, Ph.D.(c)

One day my Coach, Molly Gordon, advised me to "make the plan, show up, walk the path, and let go of the result. "While on one level that rang so very true, I really wondered just what "letting go of the result" means. After all, results are what we have to measure ourselves in the physical plane. In my years of social services administration I lived and breathed results-based outcome measurements. So, just how do I "let go of the results?" What does this really mean?

Later that same day as I was in one of my meditations on the stair mill, I was reflecting on 1997. This year began with being snowed in and then flooded out of our house. The next week, my office at the Strawberry Cannery burnt to the water. In this fire, I lost over 600 books, all my graduate school notes for two masters' programs, paintings, new furniture, 25 years of research and the manuscript for my book. This was the beginning of my learning about "letting go." Not only did I lose these material things, this park-like setting on the water was my dream for an office, it was my ideal scene and I had just moved in. I had just fulfilled one of my goals.

In the days and weeks following the fire, I began an attempt to replace and recreate everything that was gone. Literally, it had all been taken from me. But, I had not let go. I wanted it back. I was hanging on. I had a belief as to how things should be. After all, I had my vision, I had put this vision into my time line and developed my goals and of course, I knew the form that it all should take. And then it was all gone in a few fiery moments. What did not go up in smoke, fell into the harbor.

As I continued my journey on these revolving stairs, I recalled another morning soon after the fire on this same stair mill. A quote had been torn from a magazine and left on the control panel. This gift from God read: "What is to give light must endure burning" (Victor Frankl). What a description of letting go of the form! I can't keep the match and light the fire! Could it be that I was so focused on my beliefs of how things should be? Was I so tied to the form that I had no room to receive?

I am reminded of the Dead Sea. The Dead Sea does not let go of its water. There is no outlet. Water flows in and stagnates. There is no life. A healthy system receives and gives. If we are focused only on our beliefs of how things should be and hold on to everything, we stagnate and die. I remember times in my life where I was not open to receiving and I was totally focused on what I thought was giving. (These are the times I have lived in unworthiness). By only having outflows, I quickly became like Death Valley, drying up with nothing more to give. Healthy systems have inflow and outflow. They receive and they give. They breathe in and they breathe out. To give, we must let go. To receive, we must have room for and be open to the receiving.

While I don't pretend to have "figured out" what it means to let go of the results, my understanding is deepening. In the months since the fire, I have been richly blessed. Things will never be the same as they were prior to the fire. They are better! By letting go of the form and contents of my office, I have been open to receive the generosity of the people of Bainbridge Island. My counseling practice is not exactly as I had envisioned, its more! Its becoming something greater than I could have imagined. In the Bible we are taught that "through the power at work within us, we can do far more than we dare to ask or even imagine." Ah, yes! Letting go of the results means being open to receiving more. So, when I make the plan, my opportunity is to ask for "these things and more, for the highest good of all concerned." Creating abundance is letting go!

© 1998-2007 Abundant Living Resources LLC

Mind Body Wellness by Roger Moore, MA, Ph.D.(c)

Ancient Hawaiians had a wonderful metaphor that describes how we react to traumatic events in our lives. They taught that when a traumatic event happens where we react with negative emotions, we create a black bag and stuff the negative emotions into the bag and pull the drawstring tight. This allows us to not feel the anger, hurt, fear, pain or other negative emotions. As our life continues, other events happen and we create more black bags to stuff these negative feelings that we don't want to feel. These black bags become a chain of hurts and fears that we drag behind us throughout life.

From these events, we also develop beliefs about life and at a subconscious level and throughout life gather evidence to support these beliefs. For instance, as a child, we might go to the store with our mom and ask for something that we want such as a box of 64 Crayola crayons. Mom may tell us "no." The reason for the denial is irrelevant. It could be because she can't afford it or she already has one at home wrapped up waiting to give to you as a present, or, any other reason. From that denial of not receiving immediately what we want, we might draw any number of conclusions. For example, we might decide that "Life is not fair," "I don't deserve to get what I want," "I am not worthy of mom's love," or "I am not good enough." And because of this conclusion, we may even feel guilty for asking. We then continue to go through our life looking for more evidence to support our conclusion, seemingly proving our beliefs to be true.

So what does all of this have to do with Mind Body Wellness? Well, often injuries, infections and illnesses are coupled with strong feelings of fear, guilt, anxiety or depression and become a potential source of subsequent disability. The initial injury or illness is often minor but is joined with great emotional stress (black bags). The emotional stress triggers external stimuli alarming the injured or ill person creating greater dis-ease (more evidence). This dis-ease leads to more emotional stress, triggering even more dis-ease ... and so the cycle continues.

Clients will often describe their depression as a "darkness" within them that they are stuffing (pulling the drawstring tight). They describe their fear of this darkness, afraid of what would happen if it ever came out and afraid of what they might find out about themselves. Soon, all of their energy is being consumed by this holding in of the darkness and they have no energy for living. They are depressed. Along with the depression, they often report other illness or physical pain.

The presence of emotional or physical stress evokes a state that is indistinguishable from that of a hypnotic trance. The unconscious response to injury is similar to the effect of a strongly given posthypnotic suggestion. Even seemingly minor events, such as a high fever of a child, breaking a bone or receiving stitches can create new black bags or provide further evidence to support already developed ones, acting like a posthypnotic suggestion. Now we don't develop these beliefs and black bags consciously. Most of us are not out there purposefully saying "give me more fear, hurt, pain, etc..." Yet, when we closely evaluate our results, we can see where we keep having similar events with similar feelings occurring throughout our lives.

Today science confirms what we have known for centuries; we have a thinking body. ("For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he" Proverbs 23:7). The body and the mind are one, they are inseparable. All thought and all emotions occur in every cell of the body. All memory and all past emotions are stored in every cell of the body. So not only does all of the conscious mind chatter occur in every cell of the body, so does all unconscious beliefs and emotions. When you say, "I have a sad heart," or "I'm bursting with joy," you are speaking literally. That is what is happening at the most fundamental cell level in your body. Since thinking and feeling occurs in every cell of the body, the black bags of hurt, anger, and fear can ultimately lead to physical pain and illness. Body aches and pains, migraines, fibromyalgia, allergies, asthma, numbness of limbs, cancer, dis-ease of heart, liver and other organs and other physical ailments can all be attributed to what we feel, believe and remember in our body.

Realizing this, we may start judging ourselves as wrong again for creating our pain and illness. That is guilt. This judgment does not serve us in any way other than to create more dis-ease. Genetics and environment are other components that affect our health. We are each born with a genetic disposition and our environment is contaminated with toxins. Even with a healthy mind, healthy emotions and a healthy spiritual life, people do become ill. Nevertheless, the ability to respond (responsibility) allows us to make changes in our lives, to change the way we think and feel so that we can relieve the impact of our genetics and environment.

The power of the body and the mind is magical because it literally allows us to create new bodies. If you feel joy, every cell of your body responds to that emotion. And if you are depressed, that image is broadcast through your entire body mind as well. Anxiety tenses the muscles. Depression leads to fatigue. Joy creates energy. Gratitude and love open the heart. Emotions affect the whole subtle energy system of the body. We can change the way we think and feel. We can undo the trance, opening the black bags and releasing the darkness within. Therapies such as hypnosis, Time Line Therapy™, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), chiropractic, acupuncture, Hellerwork, Reiki, Rolfing, massage and others allow us to release our black bags of fear, anger, sadness, and judgments. Along with a healthy spiritual practice, good nutrition and regular exercise, this release creates pathways to physical and emotional wellness allowing the body to heal.

Back to Basics™ Parenting Program

Help Your Child Stop:

Cutting School	Throwing Tantrums
Failing Classes	Abusing Drugs & Alcohol
Running Away	Lying
Stealing	Disobeying
Arguing	And other harmful behaviors

     Moms and Dads often share with me their frustration that they cannot get their sons and daughters to attend school, do their home work, do chores around the house, and abstain from drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. As I listen to the stories told by these parents and their children, I usually discover that no one, not even the parents, know what is expected of their kids.
     Upon further discussion I find that parents often have some vague expectation about the behavior they want from their child, but they have never clearly defined the rules or put them in writing. Any rules that these parents may have are often forgotten or the child manipulates their way out of them.

     Children need rules that reflect their level of responsibility. These rules demonstrate that the parents truly care and help the child feel loved. I have had parents say to me "Of course my child knows I love them, I just bought them a new car!" And from this child I hear how neglected they feel because Mom and Dad tried to buy their love again. What the child really wants is to have someone care enough to tell them "no" and to give them guidance. In spite of what your teen may say to you, children want and need Mandatory Rules. They want some one to tell them what to do.

     Mandatory Rules are rules where the child has no choice. Rules so important to parents that the kids must obey them every time. These rules are not optional.

     There are 3 elements to a mandatory rule: Clear demand, effective follow-through and consistency. For instance, you're working in the front yard and your two year old runs into the street. What will you do? You yell at him, "Johnny, get back here now!" (Clear demand.) But he just keeps running to the middle of the street. What do you do next? You run and get him. (Effective Follow-through.) And, you do this every time until it becomes his own rule. (Consistency!)

     Some examples of mandatory rules are:

Never leave this house without permission from either your mother or your father. Attend all your classes on time every school day until you graduate from high school. Do all of your written and study homework every day as soon as you get home from school until you graduate from high school. Be in the house no later than 10:00 p.m. tonight. Clean your room now and every Saturday morning as soon as you get up or no later than 9:00 a.m. Always use the job description for cleaning bedrooms. Never drink alcohol. Or, never drink alcohol until you are 21, and even then never drink to get intoxicated. Never buy, sell, use, transport or possess any illegal drugs or drug paraphernalia or associate with anyone who does Call Mom, Dad, a friend, or a cab, but never drink and drive, and never ride with a driver who's under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

     Mandatory Rules are always in writing and clearly posted throughout the house. Don't go overboard by writing pages and pages of Mandatory Rules. Start slowly with only two or three of the most important rules. When you have success with these two or three, then add one or two more.
     Let your children know that you care by showing up in their lives. Make them feel important and wanted by you. Clearly communicate to them what is expected, provide effective follow-through, 100% of the time!

For information on parent training, family or individual counseling, call Roger Moore, MA, Ph.D.(c), at (206) 903-1232. MA, Counseling Psychology, Doctor of Clinical Hypnosis (candidate), Registered Counselor, Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist, Certified Time Line Therapy™ Practitioner, Certified Neuro-Linguistic Program Practitioner.

© 1998-2007 Abundant Living Resources LLC

Back to Basics Parenting... Supervision
By Roger Moore, MA, Ph.D.(c) Doctor of Clinical Hypnosis (candidate)

     In the United States, we supervise our children less than anywhere else in the world. As a result, we have the highest rates of school drop out, truancies, teen violence, drug and alcohol abuse and teen pregnancies. Bainbridge Island is no different. As I listen to the families in my practice, as I read the paper and talk to other professionals, I am painfully aware that many Bainbridge Island youth are not supervised.

     What do I mean by supervision? Webster's defines supervision as "a critical watching and directing (as of activities or a course of action)". Supervision means knowing where your child is and what they are doing. It can be as simple as a phone call to a friend's house verifying that they are there or more direct such as going to the friend's house (or the movie theater, sports activity or mall) or even attending school with your child. Sometimes supervision is as obvious as frequent and random drug tests or as unassuming as hugging your child when they walk in the door while taking a deep breath, checking for smoke, smelling their breath and looking into their eyes.

     Have you met your children's friends? Do you trust these friends? Have they been to your house for dinner? Have you been to their house? Do you know and trust their parents? Do you have a list of your child's friends phone and pager numbers? These are all aspects of supervision. And yes, Mom and Dad, you do have the right (I would even say the obligation) to approve and disapprove of your child's friends! Do you call the parent's of a child who is hosting a party to make sure that the parent's know that there will be a party at their house? Do you ask if the parents will be supervising this party? How many kids will be attending? Will alcohol, drugs and cigarettes be tolerated? Do you know the other kids attending this party?

     One example of supervision was told to me by a single mom and her son. This mom had been experiencing numerous challenges from her son when they came to me for parent training. After completion of our work together, they experienced several months of no difficulties. The son demonstrated high responsibility and the mom's trust level grew. This mom agreed to allow her son to drive his car to a game one Friday night after school. That day the son had called mom and asked permission to attend another activity immediately after school instead of coming right home. He agreed to come home for dinner and then go to the game. Mom had a date that night and was not planning on be at home for dinner. That afternoon, Mom decided to take a few minutes off from work and drive by the school. Her son's car was not there. She went home, and he was not there either. When the son did not come home for dinner, Mom told her date that she would not be able to go out that night. The two of them drove to the game and found the son's car. Being a great mom, she took out her set of keys for her son's car and checked the glove box, trunk, and under the seats. In the glove box was marijuana and papers. Mom had her date drive her son's car home and she parked her car in her son's parking place. When the son and a friend came to the car after the game, Mom drove the friend to his house and took her son home. (Of course, the next day in my office the son denied that the marijuana was his. But, he could not deny that it was in his car!) This mom demonstrated excellent supervision!

     Supervision means letting your child know that you will go to any length, no matter what, to see that they grow up safe and healthy through age 18.

For information on parent training, family or individual counseling, call Roger Moore, MA, Ph.D.(c), at (206) 903-1232. MA, Counseling Psychology, Doctor of Clinical Hypnosis (candidate), Registered Counselor, Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist, Certified Time Line Therapy™ Practitioner, Certified Neuro-Linguistic Program Practitioner.

© 1998-2007 Abundant Living Resources LLC

Back to Basics Parenting... Discipline
By Roger Moore, MA, Ph.D.(c) Doctor of Clinical Hypnosis (candidate)

     What do you do when punishing your child no longer works? What do you do when grounding does no good? What happens when you exercised tough love and you have taken away all there is to take away and you see no change in the behavior or attitude of your child? And what do you do when you have offered ski trips, new stereos, a new car and money as rewards and there is no behavioral change? Sadly, this dilemma is one that many parents experience. I hear their hurt, pain, frustration and panic in their voices as they describe that nothing has worked to change their child's behavior. If this description fits your child, you are not alone. To change your child's behavior requires changing your behavior as a parent.

     In my Back to Basics™ Parenting Program I tell parents to throw "punishment" and "grounding" out of their vocabulary (neither one is working anyway!). Effective behavioral change is based on trust and responsibility. Putting it simply, if a child is behaving responsibly, trust goes up. If a child behaves irresponsibly, trust goes down.

     If your son or daughter is following your Mandatory Rules, completing chores, and talking to you respectfully, they are demonstrating high levels of responsibility. Your trust level goes up. With this high level of trust and responsibility, you are more likely to approve activities like driving the car to school or on a date.

     However, if your child is arguing with you, skipping school or fighting with their siblings, they are demonstrating lack of responsibility and your trust level goes down. How can you trust someone to drive safely on the road if you can't even trust them to bring in the garbage can or talk to you without swearing at you? How can you trust your son or daughter alone in the community (like at Safeway) if they don't even turn in their homework when it is due? If your son or daughter fails to attend their counseling appointment, how can you possibly trust them to go snowboarding unsupervised over the weekend?

     When you brought your child home from the hospital at birth and gave them their first bath, you undressed them and placed them in the warm water and bathed them. If they fussed, you did not spank them. You did not exercise natural consequences and say to them, "Go ahead and stink! See if I care!" You did not exercise tough love and tell them to pack their diapers and leave. No, you just went ahead and bathed them each day, day after day, until they developed the skills to bathe themselves. You supervised their bath until it became their rule and they bathed responsibly on their own.

     So it is with all other behaviors. If completing homework is an issue, then you sit with your child and supervise until the homework is done. If talking on the phone late at night is an issue, you remove the phone. If coming home on time is an issue, you be there to pick them up and escort them home. If smoking, drugs and/or alcohol are issues, you supervise closely so that there is no chance for these life threatening behaviors. As parents, we are to do what ever it takes, no matter what, to see that our children grow up safe and healthy through age 18. Sometimes this means that our children don't like us very much. It is our responsibility to love our children. It is not a parent's job to be the child's best friend.

     You can get your children to do what you want them to do, even when they don't want to do it by effectively implementing Back to Basics Parenting...

For information on parent training, family or individual counseling, call Roger Moore, MA,Ph.D.(c), at (206) 903-1232. MA, Counseling Psychology, Doctor of Clinical Hypnosis (candidate), Registered Counselor, Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist, Certified Time Line Therapy™ Practitioner, Certified Neuro-Linguistic Program Practitioner.